The Mayans Didn’t Understand Sweater Vests

It's not just a picture of a rock-- it's a picture of a rock on the Internet!

It's not just a picture of a rock-- it's a picture of a rock on the Internet!

As we now stand two years from 2012 I believe I need to set the record straight on this whole 2012 Phenomenon Theory (aka the Mayan Doomsday) thing. For those of you who don’t follow half baked theories made by long extinct indigenous peoples that are randomly revived by even more half baked paranoid fruit cakes indigenous to the blogs of the “Inter-webs”, the Mayans supposedly predicted that the World will end in 2012. While there are no firm writings confirming this belief, if you follow the calendars left behind by the Mayans they stop at 2012. Instead of being like “Hey, maybe the Mayans figured it wasn’t important to track more than 1,500 years of time” or “Maybe they figured that somebody might invent a better calendar system by 2012”– no the modern blogasphere fruit cakery has instead embraced the concept that the Mayans back in the 1400s knew more about the year 2012 than any other culture on the face of the planet Earth. How can that be? Well, simple enough– they had been hanging out with aliens for years who told them this secret. I mean that’s logical after all.

Thus, the aliens were kind enough to show the Mayans that in 2012 the World would end. Unfortunately the aliens were not kind enough to tell the Mayans they would get small pox from Spanish conquistadors and be wiped out like most of the American indigenous Indians within a matter of hundred years. I guess when you’re an alien you stick to important World ending events and not towards actual short term events that might matter to the people you’re talking with. It’s sort of like calling up your cousin and telling him that the World will end in 2012, but failing to mention he has a gas leak in his house and not to light that cigarette he was about to smoke. Minor details.

In the grand tradition of half baked  concepts I have come up with in about a half hour while drinking my morning coffee, I have figured out that the World wouldn’t have to end in 2012. See upon further long term investigation of the Mayan rock thing calendar I figured something out (long term being about 30 seconds on looking at photos I’m not even sure are of an actual Mayan calendar… but again– details aren’t important for such short term things). I figured out that in 2012 the planet Earth will discover the power of the sweater vest!

What does this have to do with sweater vests and Mayans? No idea, but Google says it's linked so it has to be true.

What does this have to do with sweater vests and Mayans? No idea, but Google says it's linked so it has to be true.

That’s right, we’ve been looking too closely (literally) at the Mayan calendar. It was when I stood back from my computer monitor in my kitchen that I realized what the Mayans were trying to tell us. It happened like this:

As I poured my cup of coffee and looked over to “Yo Gabba Gabba” on the living room TV (which is near my computer) my eyes grazed across my computer monitor. That’s when I realized it– the Mayan calendar looks like a sweater vest pattern from afar! I was then distracted by Biz Markey’s “Beat of the Day” and proceeded to drink my cup of coffee forgetting what I just figured out.

A few hours later I realized the coffee maker was still on. I turned it off averting a disaster, which was leaving the coffee maker on too long resulting in me burning my house down. A few minutes after that I told bad jokes to my Mom on the phone. And as if the stars were aligning I then did Groucho German dictator impersonations to my invisible friend named Invisible Friend.

Sometime after that I went to log into to post something random and remembered that I’d made an Earth changing discovery earlier that morning. I immediately Googled “mayan sweater vest”. On page one of the results was an image of a lady wearing a weird hat that certainly looked pretty ethnic. She also looked pretty ethnic as well, so obviously this was all tied together. That image was but one of several hundred results. If the Google could find that many results from my random search (and there was hundreds of results) it had to be valid. Google must have also thought the Mayan Sweater Vest theory was true– then it must be true because Google does not lie! The Mayans were trying to tell us that in 2012 we would discover that sweater vests would save the planet Earth from certain doom including me leaving a coffee maker on too long and possibly Al Gore’s polar bears drowning due to global warming.

Like any true researcher I had to validate my findings further. I didn’t want to seem like I hadn’t spent at least 5 minutes on the thing or like I just made it up to have something to write about on my blog. I did my validation work by heading over to to “fall into the Gap”. I was amazed with what I found via a quick clothing search: They had kids’ sweater vest on sale for $17.99! That certainly could not be a coincidence.  I quickly stood back from my computer monitor and beheld the full screen glory of the sweater vest picture. Yes, it looked exactly like a Mayan calendar (or as close to what the Mayan calendar I think looked like since I last found that image earlier in the day).

Gap Kids Sweater Vest-- saving the world one child at a time!

Gap Kids Sweater Vest-- saving the world one child at a time!

I needed to find the aliens who talked with the Mayans though to make sure I wasn’t going in the wrong direction. Unfortunately I don’t know any alien invaders. So I instead I turned to the next best thing– illegal aliens. I don’t know any actual illegal aliens either though. So I had to compromise and find the next closet thing to that.

See my limited ignorant white guy view says that the majority of illegal aliens in the US are from Mexico. Based on that limited xenophobic and half baked belief I then further figured anyone who was Latino (or close to Latino even) could stand in for an actual illegal alien who in turn was standing in for a outer space aliens.

I found the first Latino person I could on my Facebook friend list as I was too lazy to actually leave the house to find a Latino. It is, after all, pretty cold out there right now. Plus I’m low on gas.

Since I don’t know too many Latinos it turned out to be my wife Chrissy (she’s 50% Puerto Rican so that’s close enough for government paperwork) and (even better yet) she was right upstairs so I wouldn’t have to go too far to talk with her (fill up of Mustang’s gas tank averted).

I asked her for her opinion on sweater vests. She told me she “liked them”. AH  HAH! Chrissy likes sweater vests! It was true then; the Mayans wanted us all in 2012 to wear sweater vests and that in turn would save the planet through some unforeseen universal knowledge beyond us all, but accumulated in the power of sales. Thank you Mayans! Thank you for showing us the truth!

So here’s how you can help: Go to your favorite store, buy a sweater vest, and keep it on stand by for midnight January 1st, 2012. At the stroke of midnight put on the sweater vest. That’s it– world ending disaster averted. You too can help us save the planet with your sweater vest. We will survive!

Of course, since this blog is on the Internet it must be true. Because the Internet (like commercials on TV and used car salesmen) don’t lie. Now about those drowning polar bears and Al Gore– well I guess that can wait until later in the day to figure out. Maybe I’ll do that over a beer after New Year’s Day dinner while watching “Family Guy” reruns tonight. Or maybe I’ll forget about the whole thing and instead pretend like I never even thought about it. Either way,  stay tuned!


Leave a Reply